Matthew: Isn't American cheese appropriately named? You know, it's fake and processed, just like America.
[Matt tries to distract Crick away from Patty] Matthew: You know something, Crick. I was wondering. Do the bad guys of the world really know they're being bad? Or do the bad guys actually just think they're being good guys, when, in fact, they're just acting like sphincters? Crick: I don't know. Y
Matthew: Hey, what are these? Are these... Are these stress balls? Like, you know to relieve tension, like uh... like Humphrey Bogart did in that old movie. What was it called? He was like, there are three ways to do things aboard my vessel. The right way, the wrong way and my way. If you do thing
Matthew: [Looking at Cynthia] How can a guy have a real conversation with a girl like this when we're made so helpless? In the animal kingdom, when two members of a pack stare at each other, it is a test of dominance. The first one to look away is considered the weaker. When this happens between a
Cynthia: [Matthew is plunging Cynthia's toilet] When you're done, I just need some help moving some furniture. [Matthew replies in Gibberish
Matthew: In the morning she was gone. I had to find her.
Matthew: It was if I was a perverted Prince Charming. Instead of possessing Cinderella's glass slippers, I had her panties.
Matthew: I had learned something from Rod's groinular fixation. His horror really was my horror too. It was *every* man's horror. Deny it we may, but we are all afraid of women. Every single one of them. Time had run out. Finals were in a week. Soon, everyone would be leaving the dorms. And next s
Matthew: It must have been the cloak of darkness concealing my usual romantic retardation, because that night, I was smart. I was funny. I was invincible.
Patty: There's a certain way a man stares at a woman he loves. The man looks like a boy on his birthday. And he treats the woman as if she were a gift that he's waited so long to open and now he can't wait to see what the treasure is inside.
[last lines] Patty: Oh, sweet leaping Jesus
Matthew: I think the only 'ists' there should be are humanists.
Dora, the Smart Girl: I know what's in store for me. No one will ever have passion for me. People all around me will be falling in love, and making love, and getting married and having kids. The closest thing I'll ever have to that is someone inviting me to their Christmas dinner because they feel
Rod: You're pathetic man. I mean you lose your virginity and you don't even get the girls name. Matthew: [pointing at the weight dangling between Rod's legs] What the hell is that? Rod: It's penile power man. I got it out of an ad in a magazine. I mean, it's going to help me increase my length and
Matthew: Y'know, I wonder why God equipped women with all the weapons for seduction. Rod: What do you mean? Matthew: Well, take the breast for example. You have the bosom, the areola, the nipple. I mean, those are three concentric circles. In other words, it's a bullseye! It's no wonder the breast
100 Girls: [repeating] I'm the girl from the elevator.
Rod: Man, take it easy, and if she's easy, take her twice.
[first lines] Matthew: One hundred girls. And one of them is my true love, my forever soul mate, the Betty to my Barney, my kismetic destiny. The problem is I don't know who she is
Matthew: Hi, I'm Matt, the new ward study maintenance man. I had a call about some rats.
Rod: You're never gonna get in that virgin vault man. They don't let boys on the girl's side.
[Patty notices Matt staring at her skirt] Patty: You like my skirt, but you're thinking, "If her skirt were any shorter, she'd have another pair of cheeks to powder, and have to put gloss on another pair of lips." Matthew: I... I wasn't thinking any of those things. I think you're a nice girl. [vo
Cynthia: You're Matt. The maintenance guy, right? [Matthew responds in Gibberish] Cynthia: I need some help in my roo
Mystery Elevator Girl: Can you hit the basement button please?
Rod: Oh, yeah, nice from a far, but far from nice.
Rod: [to Matthew] Do you have any suspects yet?
Patty: In High School, you would have called me a slut. Now, in College, you call me a good time.
Rod: But check it out, this penile power thing, it's going to help me you know, increase my libido, help me maintain a full, firm erection and it's gonna help me control my ejaculation baby, so I'm going to be going all night long.
Matthew: Without you, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. I have gift anxiety, even through I don't know when your birthday is. We can spend perfect days shopping and cooking together. I swear, I'll never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while par
Arlene: [after winning strip Fooze ball] Score! Now I wanna see my trophy.
[Matt has discovered that he can speak coherently to Cynthia when he's dressed up as Francesca] Matthew: It's just easier to talk to Cynthia as a girl than as a guy. There's just nothing at stake. Wendy: How do you mean? Matthew: When you're a guy talking to a girl like Cynthia, you're going for a