[first lines] Matthew: One hundred girls. And one of them is my true love, my forever soul mate, the Betty to my Barney, my kismetic destiny. The problem is I don't know who she is
Rod: What are you? A Wyllie E. Coyote super genius or something? Matthew: Yeah. Something like that. Rod: Wait, the Coyote never caught the Roadrunne
Matthew: There are no clearly defined rules between men and women. So, each side thinks they're playing fair and each side thinks they're being cheated. Maybe, this is why men and women have the innate ability to bring out the poison in one another.
100 Girls: [repeating] I'm the girl from the elevator.
Dora, the Smart Girl: I know what's in store for me. No one will ever have passion for me. People all around me will be falling in love, and making love, and getting married and having kids. The closest thing I'll ever have to that is someone inviting me to their Christmas dinner because they feel
Rod: Man, take it easy, and if she's easy, take her twice.
Matthew: Without you, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. I have gift anxiety, even through I don't know when your birthday is. We can spend perfect days shopping and cooking together. I swear, I'll never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while par
Patty: There's a certain way a man stares at a woman he loves. The man looks like a boy on his birthday. And he treats the woman as if she were a gift that he's waited so long to open and now he can't wait to see what the treasure is inside.
Rod: You're pathetic man. I mean you lose your virginity and you don't even get the girls name. Matthew: [pointing at the weight dangling between Rod's legs] What the hell is that? Rod: It's penile power man. I got it out of an ad in a magazine. I mean, it's going to help me increase my length and
Rod: You know, all you gotta do is find the matching bra to those panties and bam! Mystery solved! Matthew: That's not a half bad idea. Rod: Yea
Rod: Oh, yeah, nice from a far, but far from nice.
Matthew: I think the only 'ists' there should be are humanists.
[Matt tries to distract Crick away from Patty] Matthew: You know something, Crick. I was wondering. Do the bad guys of the world really know they're being bad? Or do the bad guys actually just think they're being good guys, when, in fact, they're just acting like sphincters? Crick: I don't know. Y
Rod: But check it out, this penile power thing, it's going to help me you know, increase my libido, help me maintain a full, firm erection and it's gonna help me control my ejaculation baby, so I'm going to be going all night long.
Matthew: [upon seeing Crick knocking on Patty's door, and shouting her name] You are not going to bother her again! Crick: You, go to hell! Matthew: I am turning you in. Crick: What for? Matthew: [voice over] I fought through the shame to bring out the truth. [to Crick] Matthew: I'm going to the p
Cynthia: You're Matt. The maintenance guy, right? [Matthew responds in Gibberish] Cynthia: I need some help in my roo
Arlene: [after winning strip Fooze ball] Score! Now I wanna see my trophy.
Matthew: Y'know, I wonder why God equipped women with all the weapons for seduction. Rod: What do you mean? Matthew: Well, take the breast for example. You have the bosom, the areola, the nipple. I mean, those are three concentric circles. In other words, it's a bullseye! It's no wonder the breast
Matthew: Hey, what are these? Are these... Are these stress balls? Like, you know to relieve tension, like uh... like Humphrey Bogart did in that old movie. What was it called? He was like, there are three ways to do things aboard my vessel. The right way, the wrong way and my way. If you do thing
Matthew: [Looking at Cynthia] How can a guy have a real conversation with a girl like this when we're made so helpless? In the animal kingdom, when two members of a pack stare at each other, it is a test of dominance. The first one to look away is considered the weaker. When this happens between a
Matthew: It must have been the cloak of darkness concealing my usual romantic retardation, because that night, I was smart. I was funny. I was invincible.
Rod: [to Matthew] Do you have any suspects yet?
Matthew: Isn't American cheese appropriately named? You know, it's fake and processed, just like America.
Matthew: Hi, I'm Matt, the new ward study maintenance man. I had a call about some rats.
[Matt has discovered that he can speak coherently to Cynthia when he's dressed up as Francesca] Matthew: It's just easier to talk to Cynthia as a girl than as a guy. There's just nothing at stake. Wendy: How do you mean? Matthew: When you're a guy talking to a girl like Cynthia, you're going for a
[last lines] Patty: Oh, sweet leaping Jesus
Patty: In High School, you would have called me a slut. Now, in College, you call me a good time.
Rod: So what are you gonna do about this girl, huh? Matthew: You know what, she left these [handing Rod a pair of panties] Rod: Let me see them. [sniffs] Rod: I don't recognize this one. Matthew: Hey, give them
Matthew: I've seen you around. You're a natural born hipster. Crick: Natural born hipster? Matthew: Yeah. The next evolution of a jock. You traded in your letterman jacket for a manicured goatee and a Eurotrash ponytail. You're the worst kind of cool. You're the kind of guy who wears male make-up.
[Patty notices Matt staring at her skirt] Patty: You like my skirt, but you're thinking, "If her skirt were any shorter, she'd have another pair of cheeks to powder, and have to put gloss on another pair of lips." Matthew: I... I wasn't thinking any of those things. I think you're a nice girl. [vo