Top 10 Quotes by Dave Barry

Dave Barry

My son wouldn't go get heroin. If he did or didn't, it wouldn't have anything to do with whether it was legal or illegal.

Dave Barry
There are no bad haircuts in cyberspace.
Dave Barry

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Dave Barry
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Dave Barry

By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

Dave Barry
What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America, or Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.
Dave Barry

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.

Dave Barry
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Dave Barry

The other major kind of computer is the "Apple," which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use.

Dave Barry
Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.