Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.
Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.
Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.
Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.
Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years. Robert O
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.
These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.
Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing.
They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.
I'd be surprised if Ronald Reagan doesn't run again. To us it's a second term. To him it's a double feature.
The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss. Robert O
Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.
I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.
It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.
If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?
THe world now has so many problems that if Moses had come down from Mount Sinai today, the two tablets he'd carry would be aspirin.
I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?
What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
To exercise is human; not to is divine.
Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings. Robert Orbe
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.
Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.
All that means is that something devastating can happen to you today or to your family & all you can do is cry about it or panic or just be grief-stricken about it; but a year or two from now or maybe ten years from now, or maybe two months or two days, you might be able to see the humor in that pro
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. Robert Orbe
Never raise your hand to your children Ã° it leaves your midsection unprotected
A compliment is verbal sunshine
Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.