Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

-Mark Twain
Mark Twain

Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.

Mark Twain
We were surprised how closely the cuckoo imitated the clock-and yet, of course, it could never have heard a clock.
Mark Twain

There is one notable thing about our Christianity: bad, bloody, merciless, money-grabbing, and predatory. The invention of hell measured by our Christianity of today, bad as it is, hypocritical as it is, empty and hollow as it is, neither the deity nor his son is a Christian, nor qualified for that moderately high place. Ours is a terrible religion. The fleets of the world could swim in spacious comfort in the innocent blood it has spilled.

Mark Twain
It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.
Mark Twain

Man has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights...sexual intercourse!...His heaven is like himself: strange, interesting, astonishing, grotesque. I give you my word, it has not a single feature in it that he actually values.

Mark Twain
Well, Ben Rogers, if I was as ignorant as you I wouldn't let on.
Mark Twain

Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employs a million.

Mark Twain
India is, the cradle of the human race, the birthplace of human speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of legend, and the great grand mother of tradition. our most valuable and most instructive materials in the history of man are treasured up in India only.
Mark Twain

The true and lasting genius of humour does not drag you thus to boxes labelled 'pathos,' 'humour,' and show you all the mechanism of the inimitable puppets that are going to perform. How I used to laugh at Simon Tapperwit, and the Wellers, and a host more! But I can't do it now somehow; and time, it seems to me, is the true test of humour. It must be antiseptic.

Mark Twain
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.