I never can think of Judas Iscariot without losing my temper. To my mind Judas Iscariot was nothing but a low, mean, premature, Congressman.

-Mark Twain
Mark Twain

Most of the things I worried about in life never happened.

Mark Twain
He had only one vanity; he thought he could give advice better than any other person.
Mark Twain

I'm in favor of progress; it's change I don't like.

Mark Twain
A monarch, when good, is entitled to the consideration which we accord to a pirate who keeps Sunday School between crimes; when bad, he is entitled to none at all.
Mark Twain

That's the difference between governments and individuals. Governments don't care, individuals do.

Mark Twain
The kernel, the soul — let us go further and say the substance, the bulk, the actual and valuable material of all human utterances — is plagiarism. For substantially all ideas are second-hand, consciously and unconsciously drawn from a million outside sources, and daily used by the garnerer with a pride and satisfaction born of the superstition that he originated them; whereas there is not a rag of originality about them anywhere except the little discoloration they get from his mental and moral calibre and his temperament, and which is revealed in characteristics of phrasing.
Mark Twain

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Mark Twain
Humorists of the 'mere' sort cannot survive. Humor is only a fragrance, a decoration.
Mark Twain

I have not professionally dealt in truth. Many when they come to die have spent all the truth that was in them, and enter the next world as paupers. I have saved up enough to make an astonishment there.

Mark Twain
We need not worry so much about what man descends from; it's what he descends to that shames the human race.