I punched my buddy in the nose after lunch, now I'm in trouble cause the dean saw the punch.
I remember when I was first starting out in the late 50's, and everybody at that time said rock 'n roll was gonna die. I was 15 years old when I started, and I certainly didn't believe that was true. I thought anything that feels this good and makes me want to tap my foot like this can't be a passin
I once thought losing my confidence was the worst thing that could happen; then I lost my faith.
Living ain't easy, loving's twice as tough.
Women are wonderful. They're amazing creatures. You can never learn enough! They're addicting in the most amazing sense.
In the process of looking for comedy, you have to be deeply honest. And in doing that, you'll find out here's the other side. You'll be looking under the rock occasionally for the laughter.
I only ever play Vegas one night at a time. It's a hideous, gaudy place; it may not be the end of the world per se, but you can certainly see it from there.
Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.
Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'
Anything that is not funny at a certain point will be funny.
She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other
On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.
It doesn't matter who you are, if you've got the legs, you can hang with them.
My childhood was lonely. Both my parents were away a lot, working, and the maid basically raised me. And I think that's where a lot of my comedy comes from. Not only was the maid very funny and witty, but when my mother came home I'd use humour to try and get her attention. If I made mommy laugh, th
Sometimes, keeping track of people. It's always a weird combination of worrying so much about the outside world, and not... you have to be more aware of the inner circle, the folks that matter.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. Robin William
Ballet: men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins? And George will reply It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!
Carpe per diem - seize the check.
I couldn't imagine living the way I used to live. Now people come up to me from the drug days and go, 'Hi, remember me?' And I'm going, 'No, did I have sex with you? Did I take a dump in your tool box?'
Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public. Once you step on stage you're licensed to do that. It's an understood relationship. You walk on stage - it's your job.
They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision - you either go all the way or forget it.
You know what music is? God's little reminder that there's something else besides us in this universe; harmonic connection between all living beings, every where, even the stars.
Sometimes you have to make a movie to make money.