The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it.
Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts or happenings. It consist mainly of the storm of thoughts that is forever flowing through one's head.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
What a world of trouble those who never marry escape! There are many happy matches, it is true, and sometimes "my dear," and "my love" come from the heart; but what sensible bachelor, rejoicing in his freedom and years of discretion, will run the tremendous risk?
One of life's most over-valued pleasures is sexual intercourse; of one of life's least appreciated pleasures in defecation.
Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it hundreds of times.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink - under any circumstances.
Once I talked to the inmates of an insane asylum in Hartford. I have talked to idiots a thousand times, but only once to the insane...
How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before.
Those who say truth is stranger than fiction have wasted their time on poorly written fiction.
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
I have never seen what to me seemed an atom of proof that there is a future life. And yet-I am inclined to expect one.
You cant reach old age by another man's road, my habits protect my life but they would assassinate you
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. Mark T
Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead.
If the world ends, I'll just head on down to Kentucky because they're always 20 years behind.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.
After my marriage she edited everything I wrote. And what is more, she not only edited my works, she edited me.
To do good is noble. To tell others to do good is even nobler and much less trouble.
Wagnerâ€™s music is better than it sounds.
He wa'n't no common dog, he wa'n't no mongrel; he was a composite. A composite dog is a dog that is made up of all the valuable qualities that's in the dog breed-kind of a syndicate; and a mongrel is made up of all riffraff that's left over.
The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.
If a cat sits on a hot stove, that cat won't sit on a hot stove again. That cat won't sit on a cold stove either. That cat just don't like stoves.
It is strange the way the ignorant and inexperienced so often and so undeservedly succeed when the informed and the experienced fail.
A German joke is no laughing matter.
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
There is a sumptuous variety about the New England weather... In the spring I have counted one hundred and twenty-six different kinds of weather inside of four and twenty hours.