[The Bible is] a mass of fables and traditions, mere mythology.
This is the year 1492. I am eighty-two years of age. The things I am going to tell you are things which I saw myself as a child and as a youth.
Monarchies, aristocracies, and religions....there was never a country where the majority of the people were in their secret hearts loyal to any of these institutions.
The Mississippi River towns are comely, clean, well built, and pleasing to the eye, and cheering to the spirit. The Mississippi Valley is as reposeful as a dreamland, nothing worldly about it . . . nothing to hang a fret or a worry upon.
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
The Book of Mormon is chloroform in print
Nothing agrees with me. If I drink coffee, it gives me dyspepsia; if I drink wine, it gives me the gout; if I go to church, it gives me dysentery.
We love old travelers: we love to hear them prate, drivel and lie; we love them for their asinine vanity, their ability to bore, their luxuriant fertility of imagination, their startling, brilliant, overwhelming mendacity.
The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
In God We Trust. I don't believe it would sound any better if it were true.
Of course, no man is entirely in his right mind at any time.
If everyone was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes.
I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.
Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.
The less a man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the higher the salary he commands.
Sometimes I lifted a chicken that warn't roosting comfortable, and took him along. Pap always said, take a chicken when you get achance, because if you don't want him yourself you can easy find somebody that does, and a good deed ain't ever forgot. I never see papa when he didn't want the chicken hi
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
Women cannot receive even the most palpably judicious suggestion without arguing it; that is, married women.
A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes.
When I take up one of Jane Austen's books ... I feel like a barkeep entering the kingdom of heaven. I know what his sensation would be and his private comments. He would not find the place to his taste, and he would probably say so.
It is not in the least likely that any life has ever been lived which was not a failure in the secret judgment of the person who lived it.
The older we grow the greater becomes our wonder at how much ignorance one can contain without bursting one's clothes.
In 'Huckleberry Finn,' I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had.
If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.
There is only one good sex. The female one.
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
If a spectacle is going to be particularly imposing I prefer to see it through somebody else's eyes, because that man will always exaggerate. Then I can exaggerate his exaggeration, and my account of the thing will be the most impressive.
The statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting the blame upon the nation that is being attacked, and every man will be glad of these conscience-soothing falsities