July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so

-Mark Twain
Mark Twain

The partitions of the houses were so thin we could hear the women occupants of adjoining rooms changing their minds.

Mark Twain
But in this country we have one great privilege which they don't have in other countries. When a thing gets to be absolutely unbearable the people can rise up and throw it off. That's the finest asset we've got - the ballot box.
Mark Twain

He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

Mark Twain
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
Mark Twain

God made all the animals in a single day; he could have swept them all away in the flood and re-created them in one day when they were again needed. Therefore it was an odd idea to save specimens of them for eleven months in the ark, whilst aware that eight persons could not feed or water them by any human possibility. If they were to be preserved by miracle, the ark was not necessary - to let them swim would have answered the purpose and been more indubitably miraculous.

Mark Twain
It is not in the least likely that any life has ever been lived which was not a failure in the secret judgment of the person who lived it.
Mark Twain

I heard a Californian student in Heidelberg say, in one of his calmest moods, that he would rather decline two drinks than one German adjective.

Mark Twain
Ignorance is not not knowin' - Ignorance is knowin' what ain't so.
Mark Twain

We never knew an ignorant person yet but was prejudiced.

Mark Twain
The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the telling;the comic and the witty story upon the matter.