Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.

-Mark Twain
Mark Twain

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

Mark Twain
In statesmanship get formalities right, never mind about the moralities.
Mark Twain

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

Mark Twain
I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S Grant in full military regalia.
Mark Twain

Distance lends enchantment to the view.

Mark Twain
Our Bible reveals to us the character of our god with minute and remorseless exactness... It is perhaps the most damnatory biography that exists in print anywhere. It makes Nero an angel of light and leading by contrast.
Mark Twain

The true and lasting genius of humour does not drag you thus to boxes labelled 'pathos,' 'humour,' and show you all the mechanism of the inimitable puppets that are going to perform. How I used to laugh at Simon Tapperwit, and the Wellers, and a host more! But I can't do it now somehow; and time, it seems to me, is the true test of humour. It must be antiseptic.

Mark Twain
It didn't take me long to make up my mind that these liars warn't no kings nor dukes at all, but just low-down humbugs and frauds. But I never said nothing, never let on; kept it to myself; it's the best way; then you don't have no quarrels, and don't get into no trouble. If they wanted us to call them kings and dukes, I hadn't no objections, 'long as it would keep peace in the family; and it warn't no use to tell Jim, so I didn't tell him. If I never learnt nothing else out of pap, I learnt that the best way to get along with his kind of people is to let them have their own way.
Mark Twain

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

Mark Twain
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident. Mark Twai