The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It's insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.)

-Dave Barry
Dave Barry

Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.

Dave Barry
Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you're trying to save money for when you split up your property.
Dave Barry

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

Dave Barry
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.
Dave Barry

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

Dave Barry
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. Dave B
Dave Barry

What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem', can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo

Dave Barry
I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.
Dave Barry

The fact that Gene Weingarten and I and Bathroom Inventory are now part of some kind of Matrix of Poop strongly suggests that the Pulitzer is not what it once was.

Dave Barry
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,†and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.