Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself.
The reason most people don't go to church is because they've already been.
You can't make a life over. Society wouldn't let you if you would.
Are you so unobservant as not to have found out that sanity and happiness are an impossible combination?
Your friends may love you in private but your enemies will hate you in public.
On with dance, let joy be unconfined, is my motto; whether there's any dance to dance or any joy to unconfined.
We get our morals from books. I didn't get mine from books, but I know that morals do come from books- theoretically at least.
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
Definite speech means clarity of mind.
Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.
What, then, is the true Gospel of consistency? Change. Who is the really consistent man? The man who changes. Since change is the law of his being, he cannot be consistent if he stick in a rut.
I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two million dollars.
The first time a student realizes that a little learning is a dangerous thing is when he brings home a poor report card.
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
I have at last, after several months' experience, made up my mind that [New York] is a splendid desert--a domed and steepled solitude, where the stranger is lonely in the midst of a million of his race.
I shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes.
I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- unless he purposely shut the eyes of his mind & keep them shut by force.
Persons who think there is no such thing as luck good or bad are entitled to their opinion, although I think they ought to be shot for it.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twai
The church is always trying to get other people to reform, it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little, by way of example
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. Mark T
Ignorance is not, not knowing something. It is knowing what isn't so.
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
I cannot call to mind a single instance where I have ever been irreverent, except toward the things which were sacred to other people.
Monarchies, aristocracies, and religions....there was never a country where the majority of the people were in their secret hearts loyal to any of these institutions.
There are several kinds of stories, but only one difficult kind-the humorous.
Time spent with your children is time wisely spent.
Never let formal education get in the way of your learning.