The Japanese tend to be far more co-operative and docile and group-oriented. It would be easier to get the entire population of Tokyo to wear matching outfits than to get any two randomly selected Americans to agree on pizza toppings.

-Dave Barry
Dave Barry

Leonard Aster thanked Fighting Prawn and the Mollusk tribe for their hospitality. “You mean,†said Fighting Prawn, “for not killing you?†“Yes,†said Leonard. “It was very gracious of you.†“Do you,†said Leonard, “I mean, does you tribe, shake hands?†“No,†said Fighting Prawn. “We kiss on the lips.†“Oh,†said Leonard, looking very alarmed.

Dave Barry
I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
Dave Barry

Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

Dave Barry
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
Dave Barry

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. Dave Barr

Dave Barry
The bad news was that the yard contained a dog. A very, very large dog, wide and hairy, like a cross between a rottweiler and a Goodyear blimp.
Dave Barry

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

Dave Barry
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
Dave Barry

Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the DMV.

Dave Barry
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.