I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
I'd be surprised if Ronald Reagan doesn't run again. To us it's a second term. To him it's a double feature.
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
Quit worrying about your health. It will go away. Robert Orbe
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.
Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing.
Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.
Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?
Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.
I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. Robert Orbe
The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.
Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.
They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.
Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That's how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.
President Ford used humor a great deal.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in. Robert O
With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. Robert O
Humor gives presidents the chance to be seen as warm, relaxed persons. Humor reaches out and puts its arm around the listener and says, 'I am one of you, I understand,' and implicitly it promises, 'I will do something about your problems.
Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal! Robert O
Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.